What is one thing you would change about yourself?

From Numbing the Pain to Finding Myself

Instead of writing about what I would change… I would like to write about how I have changed these past few years.

If there’s one thing I know that I have changed about myself, it is how I used to cope with life’s problems. For a long time, my way of handling things was to drink—not because I enjoyed it, but because I wanted to forget. Forget who I was. Forget the mistakes I’d made. I didn’t want to deal with reality, so I drowned it in alcohol. Drinking helped me run from myself, but it also kept me from becoming someone better.

These days, I cope differently. I’ve traded the bottle for a pen, and now I turn to writing instead of drinking when life feels overwhelming. But I’m not going to sit here and pretend it was an easy transition. It wasn’t. There was a time when I didn’t even realize I needed to change. I thought I was handling things just fine. And depending on what was said or done, I could either be a prick or a nice guy. That’s the truth.

But the reality was, I wasn’t handling anything. I was spiraling. I look back at the person I was, and I can see how lost I had become. My decisions weren’t just poor—they were dangerous. One night, I almost killed myself and a friend because I decided to get behind the wheel drunk. We crashed, totaling the truck, and in a panic, we both ran from the scene. The cops found the wreck, and when I got home, they were waiting for me. I begged them to take me to jail. I was more afraid of facing Shay’s wrath for wrecking her truck than I was of the consequences of the law.

The officer arrested me but didn’t put me in jail. Instead, I spent a few hours in the drunk tank, then he drove me home. At that moment, I wasn’t just scared—I was ashamed. I begged the cop to kill me, and not in a dramatic way. I genuinely wanted an escape from the mess I had made of my life. But he was just doing his job, and in the end, I had to face what I’d done.

The consequences hit hard. I paid $10,400 in damages for almost driving through a barn, not to mention the costs of wearing an ankle bracelet for two years—$9 a day for the privilege of staying sober, as if sobriety was a luxury. There were DUI classes, fines, and the never-ending shame of knowing I could have destroyed more than just a truck. Jail time? None. And I’m grateful for that. Grateful that neither of us were hurt and that no one else was involved.

Looking back now, I realize that the police and judge were fair. I deserved every consequence I faced because I should have known better. That incident was a turning point in my life. It made me take a hard look at who I was becoming and forced me to make a choice: continue down a path of destruction or find a way to change.

It wasn’t easy, but I chose to change. I had to. The guilt was too much to carry, and I realized that I was the problem. Drinking didn’t just numb the pain—it made me forget who I really was. And in the process, I lost control. But once I acknowledged that, I started to rebuild myself. Writing became my outlet. It gave me a way to express everything I was feeling without turning to alcohol.

Now, when life gets tough, I pick up my pen. I skate. I learn. I do anything but drink. Writing helps me process my thoughts and my pain. It’s given me back my voice—the one I tried so hard to drown out for years. I’m still a work in progress, and I still have cravings, but I’ve learned to moderate and not let alcohol control me the way it used to.

I’m sharing this because I hope it helps someone. If you’re reading this and you’re struggling with how to cope, know that change is possible. You don’t have to become the person you’re afraid of. You can make different choices. You can find a healthier way to deal with life’s problems. It starts with recognizing the pattern and choosing to break it.

So, I ask you: How do you cope with your problems? Are you numbing the pain, or are you facing it head-on? The first step toward change isn’t about finding the perfect solution. It’s about realizing that there’s a problem in the first place—and being willing to do something about it.