People say?

There is a lot of things people have already said about me. There are a lot of things people might say about me. I am supposed to “hope” things people might say? Did I get this right?

I hope, that people say that I am a driven person who constantly tries to do better. However, these past few days, my energy seems sucked out of me. I hope that people will see that I want to inspire people through my life experience. How I see things from my perspective. Which is different from a lot of people I have met. And, I am not even sure why. I am just weird.

Not that I am some kind of, special, all-knowing, person. Because I honestly don’t know a lot. I do know a lot. It just depends on the subject. I like to learn. I like to read. Mostly articles these days. Some books still draw me in. I just want people to understand that it isn’t that I “hope” that people will say things about me, but, rather what I can say to people before the time comes where I cannot. I think that might be a better approach.

What I want to say, mostly, to anyone struggling, things that are bad now, are temporary. Try to maintain a positive mindset. The mindset is crucial on a day to day basis. If you spend too much time worrying about what isn’t possible rather than what is, you can do a whole lot of wishing without a lot of action. Remember, part of making things come true is planning and then taking action. I have failed to take action in the past. Which has caused me to have regrets that have stayed with me to this day.

I spend a lot of time in my mind. Most often, it’s days where it is quiet in my home. Not often. But, my kids do go to school and my youngest take naps. During those times, I find myself thinking to god and about life. And then I try to sort out anything on my mind that might be obstructing my inner peace. Which, to be honest, there is a lot. And a lot, that just causes me to be influenced in my actions. It’s like saying “what if” and then worrying about the outcome. Which honestly, being in the here and now is something I have been trying hard to do at all times. And let me tell you, it isn’t easy.

Often times, I had lived my life hating every moment of it. I don’t even know why I hated it. Maybe it had something to do with my parents splitting up, when I was young. Maybe it had something to do with the way Jessica and I had our relationship. Maybe, it was due to being homeless for two years. I don’t know what made me dislike life so much. But, something somewhere caused it. I had no outlets to show my emotions. I found that I need an outlet. Writing seems to work for me. Especially here! It’s sort of like a journal, but, also where I write short stories. Often horror themed. Even though, I want to add more themes. I wish there were two of me.

Turns out, it was my paradigm. I wasn’t doing things right. But, I never really gave up. I mean, look at me now. Writing about a topic that I am not even 100% sure I would care about. It’s also vague. Do I die before I hope they say it? Did I move away and then people talk about me? I don’t consider myself popular but with all the problems I have had over years, likely wouldn’t be the greatest stuff to come from even family. But, at the same time, I really don’t know. To be honest, I am a really friendly person if my mind is in the right place. But, often times, I find myself feeling locked away like I am supposed to sit around all the time and just watch energy flow by me. I want to be part of that energy. The flow of things. And that’s also why I write. It gives me something to do, despite the fact I have kids, I always find time.

I just try to do my best. Even on these days when I really don’t feel like doing much.

I spoke with a friend from Michigan yesterday. He and I sort of planned out a sort of conspiracy video game. It doesn’t sound like it would be a very difficult game to make. I think it will be a side scroller. My main holdup at the moment is that I need to download Unreal Engine 5. And with the new Century Link internet, it is too damn slow! 5.5gb of data shouldn’t take 24 hours to download. But, with Century Link, apparently that’s the best they have. Pretty slow if you ask me.

Either way, I am still grateful that we have internet. I can do basic tasks. I will need to figure out a better solution. Maybe, we can look into Starlink in a few months and see how that is. Century Link is as bad as it was when I last had it about 7 years ago. And, they claimed it was due to the area. Well, I think that they lied. Because, when we had Spectrum, we got 500mbps. Where as to Century Link, we get something like 2.5mbps. Which is way worse. We might just have to suck it up, get our bill from Spectrum paid off. Then, rebuy into Spectrum. Which, even though the service provided by them is bad, I would still rather have the internet speeds. I got used to it.

That’s all I got for this topic.

To any reader reading this…
I have faith that you will succeed in whatever you do. As long as your heart is in the right place, you will be unstoppable at it.